An unexpected bestseller.

 

I planned each chapter meticulously. Every plot and goal carefully detailed and dictated. It would be a masterpiece, a best-seller. It couldn’t possibly fail, not with this level of attention to detail. There was only one part of the narrative I couldn’t control. One detail I couldn’t write into the climax. The great loss that was my mother would be a bitter, unexpected tragedy, so everything else had to perfect, to allow for this huge demise. I would finish my PhD exactly as planned, on time. It would be a portfolio of meaningful, scientific, impactful work. I would find a job with equal meaning, making a difference, fixing things to make up for the one thing I couldn’t fix. I would always strive for more. Pushing myself to be better, stronger, more determined. I would marry at a reasonable age to a reasonable man, a man with good morals, a man my mother would approve of. I was ready for all of it. I was almost ready to publish when you disrupted my entire plan. I didn’t write you into my story. I didn’t have room for you. Every character had already been accounted for. I didn’t think there was room for you. What I didn’t realise at the time was, you weren’t a character I would write-in last minute. You, you were the entire story, the entire plot. Now, the story I didn’t write or plan for is the only one I care about and you and I are the main characters. And now, none of the other details, storylines or plots are planned. The only thing we can count on, is us, You and I. For the first time in my entire life I am unsure of everything, everything but you.

-Christina.

A guide to a healthy relationship.

  1. Relationship counselling.

It might seem like you are jumping the gun a bit but as soon as that fifth date hits, get yourself a good, objective professional to help you guys work through your issues. Your friend Sarah who is a law graduate who has seen over forty episodes of ‘Cheaters’ is perfect. Get ready for relationship bliss.

 

  1. Social Media.

Be sure to post every relationship update on Facebook. It lets the world know how in love you are and it is fun!

12Image-3456

  1. Make sure you are his social life.

Friends? Lol, that was pre-Christina hun. He doesn’t need anyone else if he has you. You provide him with all of the social, emotional and physical needs he could possibly require. I don’t care if Rob has been his bestie since birth, he is annoying and interferes in your super healthy relationship.

 

  1. Passwords and Privacy.

Just download a decent app to track his movement and whereabouts. What’s that babe? You visiting your granny? That’s funny cos I’m pretty sure she isn’t residing in a downtown strip club. Ima lose my shit in about 2.5 seconds.

 

  1. Keep him guessing.

Men love it when you mess with them. Remember that thing I said didn’t annoy me? Today it enrages me and tomorrow, I probably won’t care. Am I off my meds? Am I on them? He loves the mystery.

 

  1. Tell him your opinion on absolutely everything.

It’s hardly your fault his sister decided to have her engagement party on your dog’s half birthday. Don’t be afraid to share it with him and everyone else at the party.

 

  1. Get drunk.

Breakfast mojito:

5 mint leaves

1.5 teaspoons of sugar

Soda mixer

Lime juice

Rum

500g of Cereal

 

-Christina