- Don’t reconsider your career options.
Remember that course you chose post-leaving cert? Well that is your life now and don’t reconsider it for one second. You have made your bed and lying in it without thinking about other options is the only way to avoid a mid-twenty crisis. You chose ‘American studies’ at DCU when you were 17 and now you just go to get your PhD in a super specific area of American culture that has no relevance to Ireland, you, current affairs or even America. Oh and the employment rate is less than 0%. Good luck!
- Don’t break up with your long-term boyfriend.
Remember when you fell in love with Tom because he was good at Maths and let you copy his homework? Well, remember it carefully because that is your future husband. Sure, he dropped out of his accountancy degree and is pursuing his goal of turning his interpretive dance into a business but that’s your man! You chose him and the best way to avoid a major meltdown when you are twenty-five and cleaning up after one of his creative breakthroughs is to just not think about what a giant mistake you have made.
- Don’t make new friends.
New friends only broaden your horizons and force you to grow as a person! You don’t want that! The second someone starts to teach you to look at something differently you will lose your shit. Just stick with the old high school gang. Okay, so Amy is in rehab and Charlotte is technically in jail but Jack and Emmett are still living at home and are up for the craic since they are permanently unemployed.
- Don’t get fit or stop drinking.
Remember, drinking helps you forget the pain of your miserable existence. The second you put that Jack Daniels down you will realise you are in over your head with a mortgage application, two bichon frises, a fiancé who is probably having a mental break down and a mother-in-law who thinks you should wear her seventies wedding dress, complete with sleeves.
- Don’t travel.
Experiencing other cultures and ways of life will only make you realise how crap your hometown (ahem, village) is. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Yeah you may have just read an article entitled ’20 places to see before you die’ but Carlow just got its first Tesco, how is Budapest going to beat that? And, I’ll bet Budapest doesn’t have crazy Pete who goes around town scantily clothed singing at the top of his lungs.
There you have it. If you follow these simple guidelines, you too can survive your twenties without an existential crisis and enjoy your life with your long-term partner and 2.5 children. Make sure not to move away from the homestead, it is important your parents have major, over-whelming input on how you should raise your kids. And who is going to tell you that your new trendy haircut doesn’t suit you if you aren’t living right beside your doting mother-in-law?